“Marie J.Engelsvold. Video “My nature in nature”. Duration 35 min. from the exhibition “Green Portal”
I am in the wood. Workng with my things. It’s fun.
I feel alive when I play around. I feel I’am connecting with my own nature, I feel free. I just like to explore different possibilities.
I don’t have to know the outcome, I just like to see what will happen. When I’am outside in nature, it’s more real. It’s like time doesn’t exsist.
I play because I feel the urge to do it. It doesn’t have to be nice. It doesn’t have to be enduring. It just is.
I go for the feeling. If it gives me joy, it’s really all I need. I feel my energy goes up, and I can feel so joyfull for days.
And I know, it’s because it made me feel more like me. More connected to my own self.
But when I do something, and I don’t really want to do it. It just feels so draining. It’s hard and it’s a struggle,
because it’s not in allignment with my heart. It’s just my ego or mind or whatever, that have all theese to do lists,
and think that I have to do things in a certain way.
But why? Sometimes I struggle with something, and I don’t feel good about it….I ask myself, why do you do this?
And very often, I can tell I have this perception of what I think other people expect .
It’s just in my head, because most of the times people don’t expect anything, really.
When I go around out here, it’s peacefull. Just ouside on the road people are racing in their cars, back and forth.
I often do the same. When I go and create, putting dífferent things togheter, it’s about possibilities.
I want to play with all the possibilities. When there is a lot of possibilities it make me feel free. It makes me feel complete.
Actually the different things I put togheter I see them as parts of myself.
I want to see what happens when the different parts play togheter in different constallations. I want oneness.
I want wholeness. I don’t want to cut any piece of myself out. I want the pieces to be togheter.
Sometimes it all falls, and everything crashes. But it’s okay. Falling is okay. It actually makes me laugh.
Nothing is more funny than when things go in another direction than planned. I get surprised. I get mad. I get irritated.
Sometimes I really are mean with myself when everything falls apart. But eventually I laugh.
Eventually I see, that everything turned out better than I could have ever planned.
Actually it is just because things not turned out , the way I expected. Because my mind has set up this lovely picture.
Forget about the picture. It is just a mental idea. It’s not even real.
I work with green. Green does something with me. It makes me more wild. I connect with my own wilderness.
I like wilderness. I like to dig deep into my own nature. Green makes my heart sing. It’s comforting.
I feel it’s nuturing. It’s like it allows me to be good enough just as I am.
Green has made me aware of what I actually think is fun. Made me aware, that I want to have more fun.
I don’t want this seriousness, to be bored, to be drained.
Green connects me to my heart. My heart doesn’t want anything boring. My heart doesn’t care about pleasing anybody.
My heart doesn’t want to do the same things over and over. My heart wants to explore new things, to go on adventures,
to play and be happy and free. It want to be true. I ask myself everyday. What could be the most fun thing to do right now.
No plans, not knowing what will happen next.
What is actually the issue about plans? Why do I need to know what will happen?
Isen’t it more exciting to release this need for knowing everything? This need to have everything in control?
Green makes me more open. Open for what will happen next, which I didn’t plan.
Green connects me with trust.